To my sweet baby,
They say you lose yourself in motherhood. That it can be hard to remember the person you were before you had a baby. That your body is no longer your own. Your social life will never be the same. The plans you once had become cloudy. And little love, I would be lying if I said that wasn’t at least somewhat true.
But in all the ways that I may have lost myself in motherhood, I have found myself in you.
They said my body would change, but because of you, I have finally found my peace with it. My body isn’t the same; it’s softer than it was before and my old clothes don’t fit. But this body is more than I ever could have imagined. I didn’t know what my body was capable of until I had you. So yes, my body is different. I see now that it’s equal parts warrior and haven, and I couldn’t be prouder of it.
They said my social life would change, but because of you, I’ve discovered how I really want to spend my time. Late nights up partying have become early nights to bed, the phrase sleep when the baby sleeps! my constant mantra. I don’t get to see my friends as much; “I’m just too wrapped up with the baby,” I say. But my love, the truth is that I’m not just wrapped up in you: I am enraptured by you. I am in awe of your tiny movements. I adore witnessing the subtle ways you change each day that only I can see. From memorizing how the soft fuzz on your head feels to tracking every. single. dirty. diaper… don’t be weirded out by this, but I’m kind of obsessed with you.
They said my plans would change, but because of you, my plans have gone beyond my wildest dreams. Before you, I had a plan: this dream life I envisioned for myself. The day you came into my life made me question everything about that plan—in the best way possible. Sweet baby, you’ve put everything into perspective. Some plans have fallen away, but you’ve helped me to see what’s truly important, and what is simply a distraction. And some of my plans have gotten stronger, because now I’m not just doing it for me, I’m doing it for us.
They say each milestone comes with joy and ache, and I can already see that they were right. They say that cleaning up your own baby’s poop just isn’t that gross, and weirdly, they were right about that. They say you’ll sleep through the night eventually…I do hope they’re right about that.
But they were wrong when they said I’d lose myself in motherhood. I may be fumbling to figure it out, but deep down I am more me than I have ever been. If it’s hard to remember the person I was before you, it’s only because now I cannot envision my life without you. So I’ll keep finding your little socks and the pacifiers you throw on the ground, as I continue to find myself through every stage of motherhood.
Thank you for being my baby. I’m so glad you found me.
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