Infertility is also one of those experiences that is genuinely hard to find words for, especially if you have never been through it yourself. And in that gap between wanting to help and not knowing how, sometimes your well-meaning words can unintentionally add to the pain.
This is not a blog about blame. Nobody gets up in the morning and decides to be insensitive to a friend who is struggling to conceive. Most of the comments on this list come from real care, from people who love someone going through infertility and simply do not know what to say. This guide is for them.
If you are reading this because you want to show up better for someone you love, that already says a great deal about the kind of friend or family member you are.
Erica Munch, MD, OB/GYN and Fertility Specialist at Texas Fertility Center, San Antonio, and Erica Hoke, a Certified Naturopathic Coach and Fertility Coach, have shared their valuable insights on fertility struggles and offered advice on how to help a friend or family member with infertility.
In the United States, about 1 in 5 (19%) married women of age 15 to 49 years with no prior births are unable to get pregnant after one year of trying.
Why the right words matter when someone is struggling with infertility
When someone you love is struggling with infertility, it’s natural to want to say something that makes them feel better. You want to offer hope, reassurance, or maybe even a solution.
But infertility is not a problem that can be fixed with the right advice or the right mindset. It is a medical condition that can come with months or years of uncertainty, difficult decisions, physical treatments, and emotional ups and downs.
That’s why comments like “just relax” or “everything happens for a reason” can hurt, even when they come from a place of love. They can unintentionally make someone feel like they caused their infertility, aren’t trying hard enough, or should simply move past their grief.
“ (These comments) propagate the stereotype that the person or couple with infertility is doing something wrong, when in reality, infertility is a medical condition usually unaffected by the person’s stress level or desire for children.”
Most people going through infertility are not looking for someone to fix the situation. They’re looking for someone who can sit with them through it, without judgment, pressure, or the need to find a silver lining.
With that in mind, here are some common comments people make about infertility, and why they can hurt more than they help.
What not to say to someone going through infertility
Comments people make about infertility and why they hurt.
“Just relax and it will happen.”
Infertility is a medical condition. Telling someone to relax implies their anxiety is the problem, which is both inaccurate and quietly blaming. It also trivialises what is often years of medical treatment, hormone injections, emotional labour, and physical exhaustion.
“Everything happens for a reason.”
This phrase, even if you feel it is comforting, tells someone that their loss or struggle was somehow meant to be. It does not comfort. It closes the conversation and implies they should not be grieving.
“At least you know you can get pregnant” (after a miscarriage).
A pregnancy loss is a loss. Framing it as evidence of fertility does not honor what the person is going through. It can feel like their grief is being minimized before they could even process it.
“Have you tried IVF?” or “Why don’t you just adopt?”
Unsolicited treatment suggestions assume the person has not already researched or considered every option.
“Maybe it’s just not meant to be.”
This one is a close cousin of ‘everything happens for a reason’ but carries an additional edge: the implication that perhaps they should stop trying.
Cradlewise Note: It is not your decision to make, and it is not your place to suggest it.
“I got pregnant the first month I tried!”
Sharing your own easy conception story, however joyfully, can feel like a twist of the knife to someone who has been trying for years. It highlights the gap between their experience and yours in a way that is rarely helpful.
“You can always have mine.” (referring to your own children)
This is usually meant as a light-hearted way to ease tension, but it can feel dismissive of the other person’s grief. It is not funny from where they are standing.
“Are you pregnant yet?” or “When are you finally having kids?”
If they were, they would tell you. Asking puts them in the position of either lying, sharing news they are not ready to share, or having to say no again, which is its own kind of discomfort, hesitation, and pain.
“I’m sure it will work out.”
You cannot know that, and they know you cannot know that. Instead of comforting, false reassurance creates a small, invisible distance because the person knows the reality is more uncertain than what you are saying.
“My friend tried for three years and now she has twins.”
Every case of infertility is different, and hearing about someone else’s happy ending does not change their situation or ease their current pain.
“At least you can sleep in.”
This dismisses the grief of wanting a child. Being able to sleep in or have more free time does not take away the pain of wanting a child and not knowing if it will happen.
“Maybe you’re trying too hard.”
This suggests that infertility is somehow self-inflicted. Most people struggling to conceive have already spent months or years hearing similar advice.
“How old are you again?”
Questions about age can feel especially painful because many people experiencing infertility are already navigating fear, uncertainty, and pressure around timelines. This phrase is hurtful and demeaning at any time, no matter how deep your relationship is with the person struggling with infertility or going through IVF treatment.
“Have you considered eliminating processed foods?”
This goes back to the presumption that there is a modifiable factor that is in the person’s control and is the sole reason for their infertility.
Dr. Erica Munch comments, “There are plenty of people eating processed foods that don’t struggle with getting pregnant,” while Erica Hoke adds, “Most women dealing with infertility are already researching constantly, changing their diets, taking supplements, and doing everything they can to improve outcomes.”
“The baby can sense if you’re doubting that it will work.”
Comments like this place unnecessary responsibility on the person going through treatment. Someone’s fears or doubts do not determine their fertility outcome.
Beyond specific phrases, there are some broader things to avoid that include infertility, IVF treatment, pregnancy loss, and fertility journey.
What not to say to someone going through IVF
If someone close to you is going through IVF, pretty much the same principles we have discussed so far apply.
- Do not ask how many embryos they are transferring.
- Do not ask how the cycle went unless they have told you they want to share updates.
- Do not equate the process with ‘basically being pregnant already‘.
- Do not count their potential outcomes out loud.
IVF can involve a lot of waiting, uncertainty, appointments, and emotional ups and downs. Let the person going through treatment decide how much they want to share. The emotional volatility of an IVF cycle is significant. Try only to follow their lead on how much or how little they want to discuss.
What to say to someone struggling with infertility
When someone you love is struggling with infertility, it’s natural to search for the “right” thing to say. But support isn’t about finding perfect words or saying something that makes the pain disappear.
Often, the most meaningful thing you can do is acknowledge what they’re going through, listen without trying to fix it, and remind them they don’t have to face it alone.
“I’m so sorry. This is really hard.”
Simple acknowledgement is more powerful than any advice or reassurance. You do not need to fix it or explain it.
“I’m here. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
This gives the person control. Some people going through infertility want to talk about every detail. Others want a friend who will go to a movie with them and not mention it at all.
“I won’t pretend I know what this feels like, but I’m not going anywhere.”
You are not projecting understanding you do not have. You are simply making a promise of presence. That is often the thing people most need to hear.
“Is there anything specific I can do right now?”
And then: actually mean it. If they say ‘yes, can you come over’ or ‘yes, can you bring me food on the day of my retrieval’, follow through. Specific, offered support is far more meaningful than a general open door.
“I looked up a bit about what you’re going through so I could understand better.”
Taking the time to understand what IVF, IUI, or infertility treatment actually involves, without asking your friend to explain it every time, is a quiet form of care.
Small ways to show your support
Follow their lead on how much they want to share.
Some people going through infertility are vocal advocates. Others process entirely privately. Pay attention to the cues they give you about how much they want to discuss, and meet them where they are. The best thing you can do is not decide for them.
Be patient and respect their privacy.
If your friend or family member confides in you about their infertility issues, don’t spread it with others. Continue to support them by respecting their privacy.
Include them.
It’s natural to worry about saying the wrong thing, but silence can sometimes feel even harder. You don’t need perfect words, simply showing up and reminding them they’re not alone can mean a lot.
Dr. Erica Munch elaborates, “Being included in family gatherings, making and keeping relationships in the community, participating in infertility-awareness campaigns, all those things can help those with infertility be seen and heard.”
Supporting someone through infertility starts with showing up
Infertility can feel incredibly lonely. The people who walk through it often describe feeling invisible, misunderstood, or quietly abandoned by the people they love most, not out of cruelty, but out of not knowing how to help.
Be there for the person you care about, gently and without expectation.
Listen without feeling the need to offer the perfect words or say anything profound. As Erica Hoke recommends: The most supportive thing loved ones can do is create emotional safety instead of trying to “fix” the situation.
You just have to let them know they do not have to carry the weight alone.
Q: What not to say to someone with infertility?
A: Avoid comments like “Just relax,” “Everything happens for a reason,” “Why don’t you just adopt, or “You can always do IVF.” These statements can minimize the emotional and medical realities of infertility. When in doubt, listen rather than speak.
Q: How do you comfort someone struggling with infertility?
A: Listen without judgment, acknowledge their feelings, and offer specific, practical support without trying to solve the problem. Simple statements like “I am here for you” and “I’m so sorry, this is really hard” can be very meaningful.
Q: What not to say to someone after a miscarriage?
A: Do not say ‘at least it was early’, ‘at least you know you can get pregnant’, ‘it wasn’t meant to be’, or ‘you can try again’. A miscarriage is a loss of a pregnancy, and that grief deserves to be respected.
Q: How does infertility affect mental health?
A: “Infertility can deeply affect identity, especially for women who expected becoming a mother would happen naturally or easily. It can create anxiety, hypervigilance, depression, relationship strain, and an overwhelming sense of being left behind from their peers, while everyone else moves forward,” as per Erica Hoke.
Q: Is it okay to ask someone why they cannot get pregnant?
A: No. Fertility challenges are deeply personal. If someone wants to discuss their experience, allow them to bring it up themselves.
Q: How do you support a friend through infertility?
A: Offer emotional support, respect boundaries, avoid intrusive questions, respect their privacy, and check in regularly without focusing solely on fertility treatments.
You may also like:
Sources:
- Did you know? CDC. 2026. Infertility.
- Did you know? NIH. 2014. Definition and epidemiology of unexplained infertility.
What not to say to someone with infertility (and what actually helps)
IN THIS ARTICLE
Infertility is also one of those experiences that is genuinely hard to find words for, especially if you have never been through it yourself. And in that gap between wanting to help and not knowing how, sometimes your well-meaning words can unintentionally add to the pain.
This is not a blog about blame. Nobody gets up in the morning and decides to be insensitive to a friend who is struggling to conceive. Most of the comments on this list come from real care, from people who love someone going through infertility and simply do not know what to say. This guide is for them.
If you are reading this because you want to show up better for someone you love, that already says a great deal about the kind of friend or family member you are.
Erica Munch, MD, OB/GYN and Fertility Specialist at Texas Fertility Center, San Antonio, and Erica Hoke, a Certified Naturopathic Coach and Fertility Coach, have shared their valuable insights on fertility struggles and offered advice on how to help a friend or family member with infertility.
Did you know?
In the United States, about 1 in 5 (19%) married women of age 15 to 49 years with no prior births are unable to get pregnant after one year of trying.
Why the right words matter when someone is struggling with infertility
When someone you love is struggling with infertility, it’s natural to want to say something that makes them feel better. You want to offer hope, reassurance, or maybe even a solution.
But infertility is not a problem that can be fixed with the right advice or the right mindset. It is a medical condition that can come with months or years of uncertainty, difficult decisions, physical treatments, and emotional ups and downs.
That’s why comments like “just relax” or “everything happens for a reason” can hurt, even when they come from a place of love. They can unintentionally make someone feel like they caused their infertility, aren’t trying hard enough, or should simply move past their grief.
“ (These comments) propagate the stereotype that the person or couple with infertility is doing something wrong, when in reality, infertility is a medical condition usually unaffected by the person’s stress level or desire for children.”
— Dr. Erica Munch
Most people going through infertility are not looking for someone to fix the situation. They’re looking for someone who can sit with them through it, without judgment, pressure, or the need to find a silver lining.
With that in mind, here are some common comments people make about infertility, and why they can hurt more than they help.
What not to say to someone going through infertility
Comments people make about infertility and why they hurt.
“Just relax and it will happen.”
Infertility is a medical condition. Telling someone to relax implies their anxiety is the problem, which is both inaccurate and quietly blaming. It also trivialises what is often years of medical treatment, hormone injections, emotional labour, and physical exhaustion.
“Everything happens for a reason.”
This phrase, even if you feel it is comforting, tells someone that their loss or struggle was somehow meant to be. It does not comfort. It closes the conversation and implies they should not be grieving.
“At least you know you can get pregnant” (after a miscarriage).
A pregnancy loss is a loss. Framing it as evidence of fertility does not honor what the person is going through. It can feel like their grief is being minimized before they could even process it.
“Have you tried IVF?” or “Why don’t you just adopt?”
Unsolicited treatment suggestions assume the person has not already researched or considered every option.
“Maybe it’s just not meant to be.”
This one is a close cousin of ‘everything happens for a reason’ but carries an additional edge: the implication that perhaps they should stop trying.
Cradlewise Note: It is not your decision to make, and it is not your place to suggest it.
“I got pregnant the first month I tried!”
Sharing your own easy conception story, however joyfully, can feel like a twist of the knife to someone who has been trying for years. It highlights the gap between their experience and yours in a way that is rarely helpful.
“You can always have mine.” (referring to your own children)
This is usually meant as a light-hearted way to ease tension, but it can feel dismissive of the other person’s grief. It is not funny from where they are standing.
“Are you pregnant yet?” or “When are you finally having kids?”
If they were, they would tell you. Asking puts them in the position of either lying, sharing news they are not ready to share, or having to say no again, which is its own kind of discomfort, hesitation, and pain.
“I’m sure it will work out.”
You cannot know that, and they know you cannot know that. Instead of comforting, false reassurance creates a small, invisible distance because the person knows the reality is more uncertain than what you are saying.
“My friend tried for three years and now she has twins.”
Every case of infertility is different, and hearing about someone else’s happy ending does not change their situation or ease their current pain.
“At least you can sleep in.”
This dismisses the grief of wanting a child. Being able to sleep in or have more free time does not take away the pain of wanting a child and not knowing if it will happen.
“Maybe you’re trying too hard.”
This suggests that infertility is somehow self-inflicted. Most people struggling to conceive have already spent months or years hearing similar advice.
“How old are you again?”
Questions about age can feel especially painful because many people experiencing infertility are already navigating fear, uncertainty, and pressure around timelines. This phrase is hurtful and demeaning at any time, no matter how deep your relationship is with the person struggling with infertility or going through IVF treatment.
“Have you considered eliminating processed foods?”
This goes back to the presumption that there is a modifiable factor that is in the person’s control and is the sole reason for their infertility.
Dr. Erica Munch comments, “There are plenty of people eating processed foods that don’t struggle with getting pregnant,” while Erica Hoke adds, “Most women dealing with infertility are already researching constantly, changing their diets, taking supplements, and doing everything they can to improve outcomes.”
“The baby can sense if you’re doubting that it will work.”
Comments like this place unnecessary responsibility on the person going through treatment. Someone’s fears or doubts do not determine their fertility outcome.
Beyond specific phrases, there are some broader things to avoid that include infertility, IVF treatment, pregnancy loss, and fertility journey.
What not to say to someone going through IVF
If someone close to you is going through IVF, pretty much the same principles we have discussed so far apply.
IVF can involve a lot of waiting, uncertainty, appointments, and emotional ups and downs. Let the person going through treatment decide how much they want to share. The emotional volatility of an IVF cycle is significant. Try only to follow their lead on how much or how little they want to discuss.
What to say to someone struggling with infertility
When someone you love is struggling with infertility, it’s natural to search for the “right” thing to say. But support isn’t about finding perfect words or saying something that makes the pain disappear.
Often, the most meaningful thing you can do is acknowledge what they’re going through, listen without trying to fix it, and remind them they don’t have to face it alone.
“I’m so sorry. This is really hard.”
Simple acknowledgement is more powerful than any advice or reassurance. You do not need to fix it or explain it.
“I’m here. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
This gives the person control. Some people going through infertility want to talk about every detail. Others want a friend who will go to a movie with them and not mention it at all.
“I won’t pretend I know what this feels like, but I’m not going anywhere.”
You are not projecting understanding you do not have. You are simply making a promise of presence. That is often the thing people most need to hear.
“Is there anything specific I can do right now?”
And then: actually mean it. If they say ‘yes, can you come over’ or ‘yes, can you bring me food on the day of my retrieval’, follow through. Specific, offered support is far more meaningful than a general open door.
“I looked up a bit about what you’re going through so I could understand better.”
Taking the time to understand what IVF, IUI, or infertility treatment actually involves, without asking your friend to explain it every time, is a quiet form of care.
Small ways to show your support
Follow their lead on how much they want to share.
Some people going through infertility are vocal advocates. Others process entirely privately. Pay attention to the cues they give you about how much they want to discuss, and meet them where they are. The best thing you can do is not decide for them.
Be patient and respect their privacy.
If your friend or family member confides in you about their infertility issues, don’t spread it with others. Continue to support them by respecting their privacy.
Include them.
It’s natural to worry about saying the wrong thing, but silence can sometimes feel even harder. You don’t need perfect words, simply showing up and reminding them they’re not alone can mean a lot.
Dr. Erica Munch elaborates, “Being included in family gatherings, making and keeping relationships in the community, participating in infertility-awareness campaigns, all those things can help those with infertility be seen and heard.”
Supporting someone through infertility starts with showing up
Infertility can feel incredibly lonely. The people who walk through it often describe feeling invisible, misunderstood, or quietly abandoned by the people they love most, not out of cruelty, but out of not knowing how to help.
Be there for the person you care about, gently and without expectation.
Listen without feeling the need to offer the perfect words or say anything profound. As Erica Hoke recommends: The most supportive thing loved ones can do is create emotional safety instead of trying to “fix” the situation.
You just have to let them know they do not have to carry the weight alone.
FAQs
Q: What not to say to someone with infertility?
A: Avoid comments like “Just relax,” “Everything happens for a reason,” “Why don’t you just adopt, or “You can always do IVF.” These statements can minimize the emotional and medical realities of infertility. When in doubt, listen rather than speak.
Q: How do you comfort someone struggling with infertility?
A: Listen without judgment, acknowledge their feelings, and offer specific, practical support without trying to solve the problem. Simple statements like “I am here for you” and “I’m so sorry, this is really hard” can be very meaningful.
Q: What not to say to someone after a miscarriage?
A: Do not say ‘at least it was early’, ‘at least you know you can get pregnant’, ‘it wasn’t meant to be’, or ‘you can try again’. A miscarriage is a loss of a pregnancy, and that grief deserves to be respected.
Q: How does infertility affect mental health?
A: “Infertility can deeply affect identity, especially for women who expected becoming a mother would happen naturally or easily. It can create anxiety, hypervigilance, depression, relationship strain, and an overwhelming sense of being left behind from their peers, while everyone else moves forward,” as per Erica Hoke.
Q: Is it okay to ask someone why they cannot get pregnant?
A: No. Fertility challenges are deeply personal. If someone wants to discuss their experience, allow them to bring it up themselves.
Q: How do you support a friend through infertility?
A: Offer emotional support, respect boundaries, avoid intrusive questions, respect their privacy, and check in regularly without focusing solely on fertility treatments.
You may also like:
Sources:
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